The Severe Importance Of Being Ulquiorra
by SendMoreParamedics
Summary: Days in the life of Ulquiorra, humorous, yet yaoi. Yeah, yeah, it's eventually him and Grimmjow. No shortage of that. SO, join him as he wanders the halls of Hueco Mundo, with assorted themes, awkward situations, & comedic accidents. Rating may be upped
1. Introduction To Destruction, No Sum 41

**The Importance of Being Ulquiorra: A new story of mine! Just kidding! It's not new! I've had it! And never published it! YAY! It's not done neither.**

**SO, it shall include so far: Eventual Grimmjow/Ulquiorra, and severly/blatent Syazel/Nnoitra, but that could be open, along with all else.**

**It's pretty humorous, and if anything IS somehow offensive, it is SO not meant to be. It's not in this chapter, but the next one. I dunno. There was this whole situation with this one group of girls..... and I got bitched out hella. Oh well. I think you guys are better then them. They were like 'Teen Girl Squad', which is halarious.... Oh well. Continue!  
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It is morning meeting time, here in Los Noches. The tea has been warmed and passed out, and now it is time for a brief discussion of questions, comments and concerns.

"Uh, I would like to know who's been bleeding in the West Hall? Syazel, if it's one of your weird escaped creations would you clean it up please?" Asks Aaroneiro.

"None of my creations have escaped thank you very much. Why is it when there is blood found around it's always my fault?" Syazel slams his tea down on the table. "Why is it never one of Grimmjaw's kills, or Nnoritora's 'incidents'?"

"I don't have INCIDENTS!" He protests loudly.

"Other people don't have random fraccion members dying strange deaths." I say. What an idiot.

"Maybe other people's fraccion members aren't as fucking stupid as mine." He grumbles.

"You can choose your fraccion, moron." Syazel rolls his eyes behind his glasses.

"If it's not Syazel, Jagerjaques, or Nnoritora's, where the hell did the blood come from?"

"It doesn't matter! Let's just move on." How strange. Haibel rarely ever speaks, and usually is as mild-mannered as I. Now she sounds quite angry. It's just _blood_.

"It does matter! I nearly slipped. It was very irritating!"

"Oh, IRRITATING! Oh, NO! You didn't say THAT part!" She jumps up and runs to the window. "Oh, wait, look at that. Would someone tell Arroneiro the world hasn't ended yet?"

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today..." Grimmjaw mutters.

Lurrci shifts uncomfortably. "It's not a big deal. If no one's going to do anything, I'LL clean it up. It's alright. Everybody calm down." What a strange morning. She is usually quite, as they all say and agree, 'bitchy' piece of trash. It seems her and Haibel have switched. I suspect Syazel is behind this. Curious scientist trash.

"So, aside from the blood. Anyone?" We shake our heads and Aizen nods. "This morning's meeting is adjourned."

I finish my cup of tea, and stand up. Aaroneiro is in a huff, and Lurrci and Haibel are talking in very hushed voices. Lurrci points at Syazel and he jumps, and dashes off quickly. I knew it. This is probably some strange experiment gone awry. I decide to head off to the library.

I detour to the West hall. There is indeed droplets of blood on the floor. They leave a small trail to the nearest bathroom. The nearest _WOMAN'S_ bathroom. How _strange...._

I carefully avoid the spots on the floor, and head towards the library. I go to my favorite section, and pick a book off the shelf. I take the book to the nearest table and sit down.

I look up from my book, hearing voices. I glance at the clock. It has been almost 45 minutes.

The door opens, and I hear high voices. It is Lurrci and Haibel.

"You really should have talked to me sooner Haibel. Us girls really have to stick together. Now, it should be in here somewhere. It will tell you everything to need to know." Lurrci scans the shelves quickly. Haibel nods.

I quickly look down at my book as they turn around my corner.

"OH!" Lurrci grabs Haibel and drags her behind her. "Hello Ulquiorra-san." They walk quickly around another isle. How strange.

Tell her everything she needs to know? Has Lurrci or Haibel switched bodies before?

I blink in surprise. Who have they been switched with? Oh no. I felt it. The curiosity. I despised emotions, especially curiosity. There was no getting out of it. I had to speak with Syazel. Even if it was to threaten him with death if he ever _tried _ANY sort of experiment on me.

I stood up and shut my book with a snap. I would make haste.

'_Rap rap rap_' I rap my knuckles on his door. I hear a few clinks, and then it opens.

"Yes?"

"...May I come inside for a minute?" He pauses, and nods.

"*ahem* Hello Ulquiorra." Nnoritora is sitting at the table. What is he doing here? I shake all thought from my head. Once curious, my mind cannot stop. I must control this. I nod.

"Is something wrong with Haibel and Lurrci?" Nnoritora just laughs. I stare at him. "Is there?"

"Oh, dear. Ulquiorra, sit down for a minute. Let me explain some things."


	2. The Ice Prince Breaks?

**The Importance of Being Ulquiorra: Chapter Two, don't flame me. Also, the underlining thing is broken.  
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_Last time!:  
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_"Is something wrong with Haibel and Lurrci?" Nnoritora just laughs. I stare at him. "Is there?"_

_"Oh, dear. Ulquiorra, sit down for a minute. Let me explain some things."_

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"....So... The blood...?"

"Yes."

"... I am going to be ill, excuse me please." I rush out of the room. That was DISGUSTING! Blood and skin coming from there every month? All for the sake of that horrible reproduction? I shuddered, and wrapped my arms around myself.

I never had touched anyone before, for sake of them being trash, but now, I would make a point to never touch any sort of feminine ANYTHING from now on. I raced down another hallway, trying to make it as far away from that awful explanation as possible.

That's it. I need to be away from everything. I turned around and headed straight for my room.

"What's wrong with you? Why do you look pale?" Stark asks me. He and Grimmjaw are talking in the hallway.

"He always looks pale." Grimmjaw laughs.

"Shut up, trash." I snap, and walk bristly past them.

"Such hostility from such a usually calm man!" He sneers. As much as I hate to, I ignore him and go to my room, and lock the door.

Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. It is SICK. I feel icky all over just hearing about it. I must take a shower. AGH, even imagining a liquid makes me want to vomit again. It may even hinder my ability to hurt people. I don't want to see any sort of blood again. EVER again.

**A short unimportant interlude with Nnoitra and Syazel**:

"Huh, what a weird guy..." Nnoitra says, eying the door as Ulquiorra rushed out.

"He was overreacting a bit." I agree.

"Every one has blood in them. And weak people bleed more because they get hurt more." ...

"Are you suggesting women are weak, Haibel is weak, or Lurrci is weak?"

"I'm suggesting bleeding people are weak. Otherwise they wouldn't be bleeding." He smirks. "Besides, even boys bleed..." He reaches around and I slug him as he pinches me. More descriptively, in the ass.

He shrugs it off frowning.

"See, that's why you bleed. And that's why I'm 5th and you're the 8th espada."

"...Shut up."

**Back to the very important Ulquiorra:**

I glance around my room, and sit on a chair. The only chair. A loud boisterous laugh breaks my concentration.

I stride to the door and whip it open.

"Will you shut your mouth for more than 30 seconds for once in your life Jaegerjaques?" He blinks at me.

"What about sleeping?" Stark nods. "Or eating, or meetings? I don't talk then."

"That's not my point." I sigh. Such an imbecile.

"Then what is?" He sneers.

"SHUT UP." Walked into that one, trash. I give him one more glare, and return to my room.

**Annoying Trash Grimmjow with not necessarily trash Stark:**

"Did it seem like he had an elephant up his ass, instead of the usual stick?" I ask.

"...What's an elephant?"

I pause. "Good question Stark. Good question."

"But you are right, he did look a bit more pale..."

"You mean gray, right?" I scoff. He only shrugs.

"Whatever. I still say it's probably not worth it to find out."

"Well, easy for you to say, you sleep all the time, it's not like you're going to go out and slip in it."

"Did you slip in it?"

"NO!"

"Well, I'm also not part cat, but I still don't see how knowing would help. It's obviously got SOMETHING to do with Haibel, and I'm not screwing around with her. Not my idea of fun."

"Cha, especially if she sic'ed her fraccion on you. Augh. They couldn't do anything, but annoy the shit out of you. Bicker this, bicker that, bitch bitch bitch, in both meanings," We both laugh.

"Couldn't imagine having them around all the time. So loud and always chatting, I wouldn't be able to sleep. If she would do that, no one would mess with her. Ever."

"Cha, she could finally grow a pair and sic 'em on Nnoitra, or better yet his little bitch."

"Oh, what's his name?"

"Can't remember, I think it was P-"

"IT'S TELSA. SHUT UP." I turn around to see Ulquiorra lingering in his doorway.

"OKAY!" I shout, and turn back to Stark.

"One of these times he's going to rupture something..." I roll my eyes.

"That was the loudest I've ever heard him." Stark says, looking quite amazed.

"True. I think that was also the closest he's come to showing any emotion what so ever."

"Damn. Let's go see if Gin has that on tape. We might see a twitch or something. Wouldn't that be worth it?"

"Worth what?"

"Not sleeping." He yawns, as we turn down the hallway. "God, what if he actually reacted..."

"If he did I would totally take a week of being followed by Haibel's fraccion." I reconsider. "Well, maybe. Sun-sun's kinda quiet. If it was just her and the other one."

"Which one?"

"You know, the not gorilla-like one? Then again she's kind of arrogant."

"That coming from you is amazing." I shoot him a look. "But Sun-Sun wouldn't be so bad I guess. Cuter than the rest-"

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LEAVE YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF GARBAGE?!" A muffled scream comes from down the hall.

"There's NO WAY he did _that_ with a straight face." I gape. "C'MON, let's go."

We continue our slow meandering to the monitering room. Cripes, what I wouldn't bet he had spit flying after that last one...


	3. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I'M NOT DEAD.

I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry!

I'm so sorry! T_T I'll come back and write more!

:C WELL I'M BACK BITCHES. YEEEE BOI. GET SOME.

EXPECT UPDATES.

Kings will be first.

Importance and Perfection next.

More Honey More Bees still needs a total overhaul.

I might just delete the whole thing or just all the chapters. Unknown.

*ANGRYFACE.* Back with a vengence.


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